


006 "Pepper's date"

by wheel_pen



Series: Iron Man AU [6]
Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fish out of Water, My Pepper is different, Pre-Iron Man, alternative universe, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheel_pen/pseuds/wheel_pen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae and Rhodey encourage Pepper to go out on a "date" with a surfing dot-com millionaire. Tony is extremely displeased with this turn of events. However, Pepper comes home crying because the man has had the nerve to offer her a job away from Tony, and all is right in Tony's world again. "I mean, you're like a perfect little assisto-bot."</p>
            </blockquote>





	006 "Pepper's date"

**Author's Note:**

> 1) My Pepper is very different from canon Pepper. Her personality/origin is very different; to separate her from canon Pepper I've given her a new last name and a different hair color.
> 
> 2) The bad words are censored. That's just how I do things.
> 
> 3) Stories are numbered in the order I wrote them, which isn't necessarily the order in which they occur. At some point I'll post a timeline.
> 
> I wrote this series after the first Iron Man movie came out. It's very AU but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. I own nothing and appreciate the chance to play with these characters.

Pepper was out on a date. And I was not happy about it. Pepper wasn't supposed to have a life outside of me. Even _she_ seemed confused by this sudden blip of the outside world intruding into her orbit around me, like one of those freak comets that lead cult members to commit mass suicide.

Let me back up. "What's wrong with you?" I asked in the car on the way home from a charity dinner one night, when Pepper was frowning out the window. "Didn't you get enough to eat? You had like three plates of canapés. You cleaned them out of chocolate-covered strawberries." (In case you were wondering why I wasn't plastered or with a one-night stand, this story proved I didn't do that _all_ the time. And look what happened!)

In the seat opposite us, Rhodey rolled his eyes at me, I guess for mentioning how much Pepper ate (but she always ate a _ton_ —seriously, she needed to live with a billionaire just to afford her daily caloric intake). In fact, this whole thing was Rhodey's fault, really. If he and his wife Rae hadn't been in the car, things would have turned out very differently.

Back to Pepper. She was frowning, but not at me or her email, her two biggest sources of consternation (and the offending emails were usually _about_ me). She was wearing a sparkly dark blue cocktail dress and I only noticed she was frowning when I took a break from ogling her legs.

"That man who was talking to me a lot," she began, sounding confused and irritated at the same time.

"That blond guy who looks like some New Age hippie surfer?" I suggested, for clarification. I had noticed him sopping up Pepper's time like a napkin with greasy pizza. "Who _was_ that?"

"Wasn't that Marcus Canton, the dot-com millionaire?" Rae supplied. I snorted. It was so cute when people earned their first million and thought they'd really made it in life.

"Yeah, I think he built a website charting surf conditions at different spots along the coast, then sold it," Rhodey chimed in. Told you he was a surfer dude. Could I call it or what?

"He seemed nice when I talked to him," Rae added hopefully. If she'd been any more obvious she would've added, "And he's single, too, hint, hint!" Ever since Rae realized Pepper and I weren't technically A Couple she'd been encouraging her to seek companionship with other people. I found it disturbing, but I bit my tongue because she was Rhodey's wife (and people said I had no self-control!).

"What were you guys talking about?" I prompted Pepper.

"Small talk," she shrugged. "Just lots of it."

"Politics, movies, sports, weather, TV?" I guess. She indicated yes and I snorted again. "Well that was three minutes. What was the _rest_ of the conversation about?"

"Excuse me, Tony," Rae cut in, so politely, "but Pepper, I just remembered that Senator Williams told me he thought you were very charming at dinner."

I leaned my head back against the seat and bit my tongue again, this time literally, and refrained from remarking that the Senator actually found Pepper's _t-ts_ charming, since that's what he was staring at all through dinner. And they _were_ charming, so I didn't blame him, but Rae also had this thing about boosting Pepper's self-esteem or some c—p like that. Pepper didn't have low self-esteem. How could she, when she knew _the_ Tony Stark could barely survive a day without her? That was just about the biggest ego-stroke I could think of.

Anyway. "Thank you," Pepper told Rae gravely. "I thought he was just staring at my breasts the whole time."

I snickered involuntarily, because her tone was just so matter-of-fact. Had _I_ pointed this fact out, I would have been seen as snarky and rude, but Pepper sounded like she was just sweetly dim. Which was funny because she wasn't sweet _or_ dim.

"Mr. Canton kept laughing at everything I said," Pepper continued, still puzzling over the encounter with the Beach Boy wannabe.

"Well, you're very funny, Pepper," I told her. "Hey, did you tell him your parrot joke? Did you remember the punch line this time?"

Pepper cast a chiding glance in my direction at the reminder of her brief foray into intentional humor, which turned out to be what you might call an evolutionary dead end in Pepper's social development. "You _do_ have a nice sense of humor," Rae told her. "It's very dry." Even Rhodey was stifling himself over _that_ one.

"Thank you," Pepper replied. She was very well-mannered with other people. "Then Mr. Canton began describing his assets to me." For a second I was shocked, thinking she meant, you know, _his assets_ , and I felt morally superior since _I_ had never sunk to advertising lengths or girths or whatever. "He said he owned two houses, six cars, a helicopter, and a sailboat, and had offices in three cities," Pepper continued.

I relaxed a bit at that, settling back into the seat with my eyes closed. Parties like this were kind of boring if I didn't get plastered or pick up a one-night stand, and I was sleepy. "Oh. Well, it sounds like he just wanted to jump you," I opined, speaking from experience here. "You should be used to that."

"Tony!" Rhodey kicked my ankle chastisingly.

"Well, it's true," I insisted, a bit defensively. Why should I have had to _totally_ censor myself just because Rae was there? "How many times have guys offered to whisk you away to their private island for a romantic weekend or some c—p like that?"

"Should I count you in that total?" Pepper questioned, and I heard Rhodey snicker.

I opened my eyes just enough to glare at him and yawned to show my boredom with the subject. "Well, I don't know what you're so upset about," I told Pepper. "Just tell him your boss is a relentless b-----d and block his emails, like usual."

"He asked me out to dinner," she added. "And he gave me his private cell phone number."

"Seriously?" I asked, impressed. "We are _so_ prank-calling him tonight!" There was another kick to my ankle. "Pepper's gonna have to put ice on that when we get home," I warned the kicker.

I kept my eyes closed, allowing Rae to freely gaze upon me with disgust. "Well, I think you should go," the woman encouraged cheerfully. "You should call him, and go on a nice date."

My eyes popped open at _that_. She sounded a little too excited about the idea to me. "Really?" asked Pepper curiously. "Why should I do that?"

"Yeah, Pepper's _way_ too busy for dating," I put in, though I knew it sounded a little panicky. That was how I felt, though, because Rae had seized upon this opportunity like a terrier with a chew toy.

"It would be fun to meet someone new and get to know him," Rae insisted, completely ignoring me.

"It would?" Pepper replied, as if she had never thought about such a thing before.

"Oh, sure," said Rae.

"No, no, it wouldn't," I countered, fully alert now. "Dating is only fun for people who possess adequate social skills. Pepper couldn't handle it."

"Of course she could," Rae shot back dismissively. Then she refocused on Pepper. "Wouldn't it be fun to try something new, learn about new hobbies and lifestyles? I bet his job is really interesting."

"He's a computer programmer!" I reminded them. "So, _no_ , it isn't!"

"I'm sure Tony wouldn't mind if you took an evening off for a nice dinner with someone," Rae went on.

"Or even a whole night," Rhodey, g-----n him, added with a smirk.

I wanted to shout, "Yes, yes, Tony _would_ mind, very much!" but all I could do was make a kind of horrified strangling, gurgling noise. Their words had struck right to the base of my primitive lizard brain, a part incapable of speech that desperately wanted some skin flaps to unfurl in defense of its territory.

Rhodey saw my predicament and was amused by it. "Yeah, come on, Pepper, a little break would be good for you," he continued to encourage.

"Call him and tell him you'll have dinner with him," Rae tag-teamed.

Pepper looked over at me, undoubtedly sensing my distress. I felt light-headed and my palms were sweating. She would decline to pursue the matter, I was certain.

"You know," Rhodey added sneakily, "I bet Tony wouldn't even miss you. Since he's so often on a 'date' of his own." Now that was a low blow. Very low. I began to question all our years of friendship. "So it's only fair that Pepper gets a chance, right, Tony?"

Rhodey and Rae were both looking at me expectantly—Rae seemed especially challenging, as though she were daring me to quash Pepper's freedom so she and a band of militant feminists could torch my house in protest. "Um—uh—well—" I managed to croak, torn between my juvenile instinct to accept bets and my equally strong Pepper addiction.

"Well, it's settled, then!" Rhodey declared cheerfully, even though it absolutely wasn't. "I'm sure you'll have a good time, Pepper."

"Call me when you find out where you're eating, we'll go shopping," Rae offered brightly.

I didn't regain my ability to speak until after we had dropped Brutus and his wife off at home. Tony Stark, struck dumb (remarkable enough in itself) by the thought of his assistant going on a date (without him). I felt as though all the supernatural powers and forces in the world were laughing their a-ses off right now, and the Rhodeses were no doubt joining them.

I pressed the intercom. "Happy, I want you to drive this car off the nearest cliff." It was the only solution I could think of.

Fortunately the chauffeur was quite used to me being incomprehensible. " _Yes, sir. Shall I take you home first?_ "

"Yes, please," Pepper answered, removing my hand from the button. She patted it comfortingly. "Don't worry, sir, I won't go," she assured me.

I didn't know if there was something in her tone or her eyes or what—but suddenly I felt ridiculous and even a little bit pathetic. I mean, normal assistants, even _my_ previous assistants, they had had time off—evenings, weekends, as long as something wasn't scheduled then. They had even lived in their own homes. I had survived. Quite well, in fact. And now I was going to cling to Pepper like a five-year-old with a grimy security blanket? (Not that Pepper was grimy.) Not even give her _one_ evening, or even one—gulp— _night_ to do as she pleased? I would have been _ruthless_ in my derision of someone else who behaved that way.

I didn't think Pepper pulled a Jedi mind trick on me to engender this mood, or anything like that, because she seemed genuinely shocked when I turned to her and said firmly, "Actually, I think you should go."

She blinked at me as if setting her sensors to search for sarcasm. "Are you sure?"

"Y-yeah," I stammered, clearing my throat. My collar felt too tight all of a sudden and I yanked out my tuxedo tie to get a little more air. "Absolutely." I hoped we would be home soon, because I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out or something else I usually associated with drinking too much, but without the pleasant beginning. Maybe I was allergic to this level of generosity.

"I don't know, sir," Pepper hedged. "I think it would be strange."

"Stop arguing with me, g-------t," I snapped at her. "You're going on a date with that surfing computer geek and that's the end of it. Now find me some whiskey or something." My head was beginning to throb.

"How about some 7-Up, sir?" Pepper offered instead, since that was what she had on hand in the limo's fridge.

"Fine. Give it here," I agreed with ill grace. I hoped this whole 'date' thing would be over soon, because I didn't think I could take the emotional stress of anticipating it for long.

I had told Pepper she could go, I had even _ordered_ Pepper to go, but that didn't mean I had to like it. Around four on The Day I went down to the workshop and told Pepper not to bother me. She left around seven-thirty, I knew. I had planned to harass her with phone calls and text messages throughout dinner, but Rhodey—no doubt feeling he was taking one for the team, since he knew what my main topic of conversation would be—called and chatted with me for nearly an hour. Then as luck would have it I got interested in the new mechanical arm I was building and only managed to send off four or five messages to bug Pepper. She got off lightly, in my opinion.

I didn't know when or if to expect her back that evening, but around eleven-thirty I heard her distinctive click-click on the stairs outside the workshop. I hadn't thought about her for a couple of hours, being absorbed in my work, but the tension returned immediately. I was going to be very cool towards her, which somehow seemed like a punishment in my mind even though it was unlikely to affect her.

Pepper walked into the workshop and approached the bench where I was tinkering. I glanced up only enough to see that she hadn't put her purse down or even taken off her coat—she'd come straight to check on me, which seemed only fitting. I let the silence drag out while I maneuvered a wire into position.

"So how was your _date_?" I finally inquired, with a heavy dose of sarcasm.

"It was very upsetting," Pepper replied quietly.

I snorted. "What, did he use the wrong fork for his salad or something?" That seemed like something that would earn Pepper's ire.

Then I heard—a sniff. Pepper never sniffed, she was never sick or allergic. My head snapped up to get a good look at her for the first time and Pepper—was crying. I dropped the tool in my hand immediately and came out from behind the workbench, embracing Pepper as she threw her arms around me. "Pepper! Hey, come on, shh, come over here and sit down." I guided her over to the couch, my thoughts filled with vague yet horrific ideas about what the b-----d had done to her and specific, horrific ideas about what I was going to do to him in turn. Pepper just didn't cry. I had never seen it before, anyway, and actually it kind of terrified me.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay," I told her, without really being sure that it was. "Tell me what happened."

She sniffled again and ended up using the sleeve of her long wool coat as a Kleenex. Not that I cared, of course—after being in the workshop for several hours my clothes weren't exactly in pristine condition either. "He offered me money," she finally revealed tearfully.

My eyes widened. "For _sex_?" The a-----e! Look, I was no stranger to call girls, but they were professionals. You just didn't insult a woman in another career like that. Especially Pepper.

Who was now looking at me in utter confusion. "No," she replied, apparently mystified by my suggestion.

"Well—what for, then?"

"To leave you, and work for him!" Pepper burst into fresh tears and flung herself at me. I put my arms around her automatically, but I felt like I had missed something. And Pepper displaying more emotion than I had ever seen from her since we'd met— _total_ —was a little overwhelming.

I rubbed her back soothingly. "Wait—he offered you a _job_?"

She nodded against my chest, which wasn't a bad sensation. "He wanted me to be his administrative assistant for his new company!"

"G-d, what a d—k," I opined. "I take it you turned him down?" Just a guess there.

She nodded again, more vigorously. "Of course! And then he offered to double my salary. He just wouldn't stop."

A tiny part of my brain wondered cynically if I was being played, but the rest of it was split between 1) _No, it's Pepper_ , and 2) _I don't care if I am_. "Well, _I'll_ double your salary, Pepper," I promised, having no clue what that salary was.

"No, I don't _want_ more money," she told me, and the trip to Bizarro World was complete. Anyone whom I told about this episode would think I had hallucinated it while on a bad batch of crack. "I don't know what to do with all the money I have _now_. It just piles up all over the place."

"Yeah, I have that problem, too," I sympathized. "Okay, no more money. Do you want—um—more vacation time or something instead?" That was a tough offer, because I would rather pay ten times as much money than let Pepper out of my grasp for any longer.

Fortunately she shook her head. "No. I don't want anything. I just don’t want to leave you."

"Well, I don't want you to leave me either," I assured her. We were apparently both content in our obsessive co-dependence.

Now that the emotional tension had been released, things were returning to normal. "Crying is extremely messy," Pepper observed with distaste, trying to wipe her tears away with her hands.

I gave her a dishcloth left over from a long-ago snack. "It is. It's very messy," I agreed. "So this wasn't a date at all, then? It was just a business meeting?" I needed a little more confirmation.

Pepper searched the cloth for a clean corner. "I guess so. He kept talking about this new software he was writing to help cars navigate and how it was going to be very successful for deal with construction and accidents in real time."

"He didn't try to hit on you _at all_?" The mind boggled. "He didn't even stare at your legs, or anything?"

Pepper thought about it briefly. "He said I looked nice at the beginning."

"Well, you do. Maybe he's gay." She shrugged. "Real time vehicle navigation, hmm?" Synapses were sparking in my brain. "Send a memo to R&D and have them look into it. Maybe it could be applied to tanks in uncharted terrain." She dutifully logged the order. "J---s, Pepper, I thought you were going to say he tried to rape you or something!" I added chastisingly after a comfortable pause.

She blinked at me. "Why would he do that?"

"Never mind," I deferred. "The point is, you never have to go on another so-called date again." Although I was going to let _her_ explain that to Rhodey and his wife. A thought occurred to me. "Surely other people have tried, futilely, to tempt you away from me," I remarked. "I mean, you're like a perfect little assisto-bot."

"Thank you, Mr. Stark," she replied to my compliment. "There _have_ been some inquiries, but I never had to go out and eat a meal with anyone before. It was always an email, or a question at a party."

"That _is_ pretty rude," I agreed, not entirely certain why. "Hey, I bet you didn't get enough to eat, either. And I skipped dinner. Let's order four or five pizzas."

"Okay," Pepper nodded, with what I interpreted as happiness. Having had what was for her a hysteria fit, she was starting to regain her equilibrium. "Pepperoni and pineapple, sir?" she asked, pulling out her phone.

The pepperoni was for me; she liked the pineapple because it was sweet. "You got it, Pep."

In case you were wondering, _yes_ , I did tell Rhodey that the dot-com surfer only wanted Pepper for her assisting acumen. And that I was now buying the guy's newest program to use in military vehicles. But I left out the whole nervous breakdown part. Because I kind of liked keeping a few secrets about Pepper.

* * *


End file.
